I'm not sure when my mental health got as bad as it did but I remember early symptoms of poor mental health when I was still in primary school - shortly after I got diagnosed with my muscle disease (which you can read more about here: My Battle With Physical Illnesses). Being on steroids made me put on a lot of weight and I became more and more self conscious. I remember certain situations I was in that made me hate myself, one of which was when a girl in my class invited everyone to her birthday party except me as her mum stated I was "too much hassle" due to my poor muscles. On that day I went home and cried, with my parents both comforting me. In the same year the same thing happened multiple times, each time made me dislike myself more and more. Looking back on it, I remember getting anxious about birthday parties and also what everyone actually thought of me as no one wanted to be my friend or play with me as I was in a wheelchair sometimes. 

Fast forward a few years, I was in my final year of primary school in which I was away at a camp with the rest of my year on a school trip for a week. During the week we performed different activities such as bouldering and rock-climbing, and on the last day we went on an adventure walk. This walk included hills, tunnels, crawling, water and climbing, and by the end of the day I was exhausted as I had just went into remission. The walk finished at the bottom of a VERY steep hill and our bus was parked at the top of the hill, my legs were so weak I couldn't walk up the hill and with no one to help me I crawled on my hands and knees up this hill even with people laughing at me. I remember feeling isolated and having trouble breathing, almost as though I was drowning, as I was so scared of people thinking less of me.

High school was when my anxiety really heightened though, hormones and puberty definitely didn't help either. This was also when being bullied became a massive part of my daily routine, throughout my entire time at school, whether it was from other pupils, friends or teachers. I remember one girl in particular used to tell others, including my friends, to not talk to me and used to make up stories about me making a teacher pick up something for me because I was "mean and lazy". One memory has vividly stuck in my brain, in which the same girl wrote on the board how she loved my entire class, except me. The exact words were "I love 10V - except Lucy". I remember running to my favourite teacher and crying my eyes out. I was in almost every class with this girl and I HATED going to school because of her, I used to cry everyday because I was so scared of what she'd say to or about me. This girl eventually stopped talking to and about me in my last two years of school, and even hugged me on my last day - and although I can't forgive her though as she never apologised, I still wish her the best in whatever she's doing now. 

I was also bullied by another girl who I thought was a friend and she used to tell me the wrong time to turn up to days out. It wasn't until a friend stopped me before she turned up and said "you do know she deliberately told you the wrong time?" when it clicked. She also used to bully me mercilessly and even tried to take one of the only friends I had away from me. I spent lunchtimes walking around school by myself as I had no one to talk to or confide in.

High school was awful, especially when my best friend got a boyfriend who said I "needed plastic surgery" to make me pretty. I remember another incident in which one of my supposed best friends told me that my best friend "looks better without makeup than you look with makeup". These were just a few of a large number of incidents that REALLY knocked my self-confidence, I hated every single part of me.

Joining Twitter was both a blessing and a curse. I met my best friend  Faye through Twitter who I'm so glad to say that I now live near and have met multiple times! But I was also exposed to sites such as Ask.FM through Twitter and became a victim of cyber bullying in which people would tell me to kill myself, looking back on it as a mature 20 year old, I wish I had the sense then to just log out and realise that they're the wasters for bothering to send death threats. Without Faye I honestly don't know if I'd be in the place I am at the minute.

My mental health took a turn for the worse when I started going to parties and guys came into the picture. I was always the girl sitting at the side who no one wanted to look at or talk to as I was the "fat, ugly friend". My friends were always the people who got attention and to say I wasn't jealous would be a lie. I wanted to be accepted but felt like I was an outcast. My friendship group during this time was supportive but to say things were perfect would also be a lie. Personalities clash and we argued, fell out and ignored each other more times than I can count. 

During my GCSE years I became depressed. I was always crying but I didn't feel any emotions at all - I felt numb and the only way I could feel anything was through physical pain. I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to as I didn't feel like anyone would care or would listen. I did bring up my harming once to a friend and she brushed it off by saying that she felt down some days. After that I didn't see the point in bothering anyone. Faye was the only person that knew about what I was going through and she was always there to help.

These negative actions continued until I was finishing my A Levels. I had friends, but I never wanted to go out, I never wanted to talk or do anything. Anxiety really started to take over around this time too. I said no to everything, I made plans and then cancelled last minute as my anxiety was so severe I couldn't physically move. My friendship group also started to diminish around this time, everyone had their own worries and problems and their own way of dealing with it, and sadly not everyone agreed with the way they chose to deal with it. I remember feeling so unhappy in the friendship group, for reasons I won't go into as I don't feel like they should be made public, however I do recall one situation that knocked me for six. I was being ignored by a friend for around a week and I was fed up with it so when I brought it up I was met with shouting and aggression that I "needed to get off my high horse", that I "loved" myself and that I "looked down my nose at everyone" - it was frustrating and upsetting, not just because I had only just started becoming more confident in who I was but because I thought people would be supportive and happy that I was starting to appreciate myself a bit more, but this only made me disappear further into my self loathing. I don't blame anyone for my self hatred but I do believe that everyone and everything has an impact in its own unique way. Since we have all went our separate ways I have been profusely better. 

It's been two years since I left school and around a year since I started feeling better. Last year was a real turning point for me, I stopped listening so much to what others said and met some amazing and supportive people - both in real life and on the internet. I also met someone who has been such an amazing impact on my life, my boyfriend Jordan. Jordan has been so encouraging throughout my battle with anxiety, he pushes me to do things I would never have done without him but he let's me be independent so I don't rely on him being there. When I have my bad days he is always there with open arms and his kind, compassionate, empathetic heart.

When I was at the height of my depression and anxiety, I never imagined myself in the situation I am in now. I'm at university doing my dream course and have the best boyfriend I could ever imagine. When I was depressed, I didn't see the point in continuing on with the pain. Now, I look back on that day and realise that I should have just opened up and got help sooner. I am SO glad I was able to see the problems and take the necessary steps, including but not exclusive to moving country and leaving friendship groups, to get me on the road to recovery. My mental health still may not be the best, but it's the best it has been for the longest of times. There are good days, bad days and days when you have setbacks, but it's one step back and five steps forward!

If you have anxiety, depression or ANY kind of mental health illness - please talk to someone. I know you're probably sick of hearing that and how much it'll benefit you, but it honestly will. I hate that I thought I'd be a burden on someone because I have a mental illness, 99% of the time the people around you will be super supportive. Put yourself in their shoes and how well you'd receive the news of if a loved one had been battling what you're going through. If you can't talk to any family members, there are so many helplines and other professionals such as your GP. One appointment could kickstart the road to YOUR recovery. It won't be easy but nothing is worth sitting alone crying or injuring yourself over and I wish I had listened to those who told me to open up and that everything would be okay.

I am ALWAYS here for you, my DMs are always open and in no way would I ever judge what you say. I wish I had someone to tell me to do whatever was best for me, I wish I hadn't let people walk all over me and I hate that I let people dictate my life and how I lived it. You only have one life, please don't sit in silence and in pain for the entirety of it - you are not alone!